On Being Cool
In 2023, I was at an event talking with a leader who I had long saw as bold, nerdy, smart, courageous, and unique. I had always thought he was really cool, but I never told him that. As we were chatting at this event, he turned to me and said, “Talie, you’re cool.” I was stunned. I felt like the least cool person in the world. I felt insecure, hesitant, worried about what others think of me, and on and on. I asked him why he thought I was cool, and more importantly, what his definition of cool is. I’ll tell you what he said in a minute.
First, the topic came up again just last week at a Literary Arts event where Min Jin Lee, the New York Times–bestselling author of Pachinko, was being interviewed about her new book, American Hagwon. An audience member asked a question and said, “I’m not cool.” Min Jin Lee disagreed and then defined cool as being detached.
So this got me thinking.
Can something be cool while also being accessible and inclusive?
Coolness, in our society, brings with it an air of exclusivity. A brand, a product, an organization or company, or a person often uses coolness to create a sense of desire. Buddhists call this grasping. You might call it FOMO. Whatever it is, it’s rooted in — and therefore perpetuates — fear and control.
As I see it:
- Coolness can drive status.
- Coolness can drive intrigue.
- Coolness can drive admiration.
- Coolness can drive desirability.
- Coolness can drive unworthiness.
The underlying intent matters the most.
The ideas, words, images, and behaviors that we value define our cultures. Those cultures can be those in our family, our community, our country, our world.
As coolness is typically defined, it creates a desire for self-importance. This is led by the ego. It creates separation from others for the purpose of self-aggrandizement.
So what if we flip the script?
What if we redefined coolness as being authentic and heart-led? That would make coolness inclusive.
That leader back in 2023 told me he thinks I’m cool because I’m 100 percent myself, fully Talie, all the time. And that’s cool. In a world in which people wear masks to fit in, those who choose to be themselves out loud are, and should be revered, without the implication that you should want to be like them.
Scott Smith, my husband and business partner, said many years ago that what makes rock stars so cool is they let their wild, crazy, quirky, weird selves be expressed with the volume turned up and the spotlight bright.
I thought at the time, hell yeah, we all look up to rock stars for doing that because it’s ultimately what we all want deep down: to be ourselves unapologetically out loud.
An entrepreneur friend of mine was struggling with his business. He told me a story about the time he decided that having fun, and playing with abandon, at his business was going to be his main purpose. He was so tired of it feeling like a struggle. He started making things: desks out of plywood, drawings and murals on the walls, experimenting with his team on building imaginative products within the work they were doing for clients. The energy shifted and he noticed people magnetizing to them. Clients started to want in on this playful, exciting energy. People wanted to work there. Ideas sprung from the freeform imaginative culture. It turns out, he shared, that play is revolutionary.
If we develop a core belief that everyone belongs, is inherently worthy, and deserves a society that sees and validates them, then creating brands and cultures that perpetuate separation (putting one person, idea, brand, or process above another) becomes a destructive proposition. Creating cultures based on inherent worthiness is what we want at Smith & Connors.
Here are some examples of coolness that perpetuate inclusion:
- Playing out loud. Expressing without care of what others think.
- Being accountable for your actions above protecting yourself or your organization.
- Being unconditionally compassionate and open.
- Transmuting fear and hate into love and joy.
- Inner knowing and power, not petitioning for acceptance.
Ask yourself what’s driving the culture or brand at your organization. What’s your definition of cool, personally and in your work? How does it affect your culture in your organization, your family, and your community?
Lead with courage and curiosity
Stronger organizations are built by leaders willing to listen, get uncomfortable, and grow alongside their teams. Learn more about our approach.
